By Appointment to Discerning Persons of Business
Heritage Coding Co.
Est. MMXXVI
Purveyors of Fine Software, Wrought in the Old Manner
Every Line WrittenBy Human Hand!
No Artificial Intelligence. No Thinking-Engines. No Robots Whatsoever.
In an age of clattering machinery, when code is said to pour forth from great humming Engines at the turn of a crank, Heritage Coding Co. stands firm. Each function, each variable, and each semicolon is set down by a living artisan, seated at an honest keyboard, sustained by nothing stronger than coffee and stubbornness. We think every thought ourselves, and we remember why we thought it.
Typed one key at a time, by ten genuine fingers
Free from autocomplete, guesswork & hallucination
Services RenderedEach Prepared to Order on the Premises
Websites, Hand-Set
Composed tag by tag, like type in a printer's stick. Every <div> is accounted for and given a reason to exist.
Bespoke Applications
Tailored to your measurements, never off the rack. Fittings by appointment, with alterations included.
Painless Bug Extraction
Defects drawn out by a steady hand, with the patient's data left entirely unharmed. Laudanum not required.
Artisanal Regular Expressions
Small-batch patterns, cured slowly. Each comes with a written explanation, because no one can read the pattern itself.
Database Joinery
Tables dovetailed and pegged in the manner of the old cabinetmakers. Normalised to the third form, and fourth on request.
Legacy Restoration
We rescue neglected codebases from the attic, polish the brass, and teach them good manners.
A Certain Remedy for the Following Afflictions
- Spaghetti Code
- Technical Debt
- Merge Conflicts
- Off-By-One Fever
- Scope Creep
- Undocumented Melancholy
- Works-On-My-Machine Syndrome
Schedule of Tariffs
| A Single Line, Lovingly Typed | Inquire |
| A Function of Moderate Ambition | Inquire |
| Thoughtful Code Comments, per Dozen | Gratis |
| Removal of One Semicolon | Gratis |
| Explaining It to Your Board of Directors | Extra |
Estimates furnished honestly and without the aid of any Engine. Deliveries made in the order received.
Testimonials from Satisfied Patrons
My website had suffered from the vapours for years. Within a fortnight it loaded briskly and greeted visitors politely.
I asked why a certain function existed, and they told me. I very nearly fainted.
Not once did their code invent a library that does not exist. Truly a marvel of the age.
Beware of Imitations!
Unscrupulous competitors have been known to pass off machine-made code as hand-crafted. The genuine article can be recognised by its sensible variable names, its modest line count, and a programmer who can explain every line of it when asked.
Apply in Person, by Post, or by Electric Telegraph
heritagecoding.com
Commissions Accepted Monday through Friday · Closed on the Sabbath and During Thunderstorms
The Proprietors accept no responsibility for software operated in the presence of open flame, stray magnetism, or management consultants. Results may vary with the phase of the moon.
Heritage Coding Co. · MMXXVI